Dealing with Difficult Personalities in the Workplace

People are different, and that sometimes causes conflict. However, part of the process of an evolving professional relationship is understanding and accepting personality differences. This publication explores strategies for dealing constructively with personality characteristics that create conflict or simply make it difficult to accomplish work goals.

Some otherwise nice, normal people can become difficult people under certain circumstances. Common triggers are feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. The root of their problems may be a lack of social, personal, or even technical skills.

There are others, however, who are simply difficult. They are downright loud, mean, and contrary to everyone they meet in every situation that arises. Some difficult people are aggressive, while others may be passive in their aggression. Openly aggressive people are easy to identify because often they are loud, intimidating, argumentative, and even hostile.

Others, however, may appear quite pleasant on the surface but be covertly hostile. Passive-aggressive actions include verbal potshots and backhanded compliments. Passive-aggressive people may be pleasant and cooperative on the surface but are never able to make a decision, take a risk, or complete an assignment. From their perspective, the problems are always external. Their behavior can be toxic to you, your success, and your happiness.

Dealing with Difficult Personalities

First, recognize that you should not take the behavior of difficult people personally.

Second, realize that you are not going to change or fix them, and it is not your job to do so. People don’t change their behavior unless and until they want to.

Third, accept that the only person you can change is yourself. Focus on changing your pattern of emotional and behavioral responses to the difficult people so that you make healthy and productive choices that benefit you now and in the long term.

Fourth, manage your emotions when you deal with difficult people. Learn not to take their behavior personally. Avoid becoming defensive because this will only make things worse.

Finally, as with anything in life, recognize that dealing with difficult people is a skill worth learning, and it takes practice. Assess past incidents and learn from them by asking yourself the following questions:

• Who was involved?
• What happened?
• How did I feel?
• How did I respond?
• How do I wish I had responded?
• What could I do differently in the future to have a positive outcome to a similar incident?

Dealing with Aggressive-Difficult People

Be clear with aggressive-difficult people about how you wish to be treated, and do not allow them to treat you otherwise. If you are upset by something the aggressive-difficult person says, you can respond with a comment such as, “That wasn’t nice/productive/professional. Please do not speak to me like that.”

If you anticipate unpleasantness with an aggressive person, meet them in a neutral location where you feel safe. If the aggressive person uses indirect or covert tactics, bring them out into the open by naming the offending comments or actions, and directly question them about their verbal attacks.

If appropriate, consider asking a friend, colleague, or supervisor to be present when you meet with this person. Do not enter into a situation that makes you feel unsafe or threatened.

Dealing with Passive-Difficult People

Passive-difficult people often crave approval but feel unqualified and, therefore, are unable to earn the approval and respect they seek. Because of this, they may be noncommittal or feign agreement when asked to perform a task or work with others. However, they will likely be among the first to blame other people when things don’t work out.

The best strategy for dealing with passive-difficult people is to address their misbehavior directly and bring it out into the open. For example, if the person misses an important deadline, offer to meet with them and inquire why. They may feel unable to perform the task assigned and unable to acknowledge this openly. If this turns out to be the case, offer to help them in order to complete the assigned task.

As in any relationship, it is unproductive to simply ignore the difficult person. Following is a breakdown of the most common aggressive- and passive-difficult personalities, along with strategies for dealing with them in a positive manner.

Publication 3386 (POD-11-23)

Reviewed by Nesma Osama Abdelrahm Osman, PhD, Assistant Professor, Extension Program and Staff Development, from the original by Marina Denny, EdD, former Assistant Professor, Human Sciences.